” You need to find a new direction for your life, something new to hang your hope on to continue living. And most of the time that thing is you. At that junction in life you will need to believe in yourself to continue living.” ― Bangambiki Habyarimana
Despair , a feeling a lot of us know , the feeling of being disconnected a feeling of utter misunderstanding , going round and round in circles and having no idea to get yourself back to the light , your brain starts lying to you and convinces you that you are not worth it. You might even have parents that tell you, you are no good , a partner that makes you feel that you don’t fit in , colleagues that make fun of you. You feel cheated out of joy and your brain tells you that is right. You feel you have no right to be in this place in this time. Its better if you were not there , you tell yourself that you don’t matter anymore and that the world is not going to miss you. You start slipping in bad habits again, you don’t pick up the phone when people reach out because you don’t know what to tell them and you don’t believe a word they say. Despair , a complete loss of faith in yourself and others. Sometimes you cannot even remember where it started. Others blame a moment in time , some blame someone else. And you desperately hold on to these thoughts.
If only this person had loved me more, if only my boss could see how good I am , if only I could show the world what I am made of , if only things were different. Those are a lot of Ifs , a lot of assumptions and a lot of lies we tell ourselves. Because nobody can lie to us as good as we can lie to ourselves. And then , what do you do , you give up on yourself. It’s a spiral downwards and nothing can stop it , it seems. Despair has entered your heart and Hope has left it. Sounds grim , and it is. Although , it’s very human, hopelessness is as much a part of live as joy and prosperity.So then the big question, why are we lying to ourselves and holding on to a feeling that is so destructive to our self-respect. Because we are afraid of change, or maybe to change ourselves , paralysed by anxiety.
And then a knock on the door “ Good morning , its Hope, why have you abandoned me? “
Just as you thought she abandoned you. But she did not did she , waiting for you to see that you need change. Waiting for you to take a look in the mirror and ask yourself “There must be something I can do ? “ Waiting for you to laugh at yourself again ,because you know it is ridiculous to feel this way , that you are not helping yourself and that you seriously need to do something and talk to someone. Waiting for you to turn your face to her again and smile and ask for the strength to do something. To find Hope again.
When she knocks at your door , you asked her to do so. Somewhere in your thoughts there is that immense will to survive and even if it is a baby step a day , with the right help you will get out and be who you should be. But you have to take the first little step. An enormous leap of faith it seems , telling yourself , I trust , again. Time to move on.
Even if we know we are a part of the living Force ,we need to invite the feelings of Despair into our consciousness without criticism, just as we do with pleasant feelings. To constructively wallow, immerse yourself in your real feelings with compassion and understanding. The best thing to do when you don’t like how you’re feeling is to simply ask yourself, ‘What am I feeling right now?’ Give it a name. Start meditating on it ! Accept it as it is.